I’m not the strongest person, not the smartest or the funniest. I’ve never been the most outgoing, or most popular. Hell, I can’t even say that I’ve always been myself. It’s been a tough life for me, not that I’m wanting any sympathy. It’s what has made me who I am today; and who I will be tomorrow.
My mom passed away when I was 10 from colon cancer. The past 8 years I have lived with my dad, sister, step-mom, two step-sisters, and since 5 years ago, my half-brother. That’s 7 people, and we aren’t exactly the best well off family. We’ve got the money to keep ourselves nicely above the waters, but sometimes it gets tough. I’ve grown up surrounded by stress. I can’t say for sure when I first became depressed, or started feeling as hopeless as I did. It was more of a snowball in my life, that just kept building up larger and larger until finally, I couldn’t control it anymore. I wound up turning to razorblades in 7th grade to try to keep my racing thoughts under control. I thought it was working, but by the end of Sophomore year I knew I was far too gone to make it back to the light on my own. I dove in to pills, blades, and starving myself….all in the hopes that I would become someone who I could love.
By this time, I had met the person who will forever be in my heart: my darling best friend. He was broken, just like me. And this created hell for us. Absolute hell. Yet we’ve made it through 2 and a half years together, and even with our graduation looming over us, we know we’ll find our way through this too.
It hasn’t been easy. I won’t be cocky and say that it’s going to be easier from here on, but I do know that we will take it on. We’ll take on the challenges; we’ll argue, say things we don’t mean and will probably wish we could take back; we’ll hurt each other, he’ll make me cry and I’ll piss him off; we’ll laugh together; we’ll hug and we’ll kiss. We will make up and make love. We’ll do anything and everything, and we’ll do it together. Because he’s always in my life, even when I haven’t seen him in days, even when we’re having a week where we don’t talk. He’s still there, and I still love him with everything that I am. If I had not gone on a crazy whim Sophomore year, I don’t know where I would be today, but I know I wouldn’t be me. Meeting him, finding my best friend, the person who just simply completes me, whether it’s physically, mentally, or emotionally, as friends or loves, he’s simply my other half.
This past year, my Senior year of high school, I have done a lot of growing up. I’ve done a lot of stupid things, and plenty that I wish I could take back. I’ve had to push away from my parents, from the security of what I’ve always known in the past. I’ve learned that it’s ok to let who I am show through, and it’s ok for not everyone to like that. It’s ok for people to disapprove of me, as long as I don’t disapprove of myself. It’s been hard, especially having to realize that who I want to be isn’t who my parents and family want me to be. It’s been hard, but I know that if I don’t act as who I am, if I don’t take the path to the me that has been buried inside for so long…I will never be happy. I can not be happy in their world. I’m not normal sometimes. Some days I’m sad and I cry for no real reason. Other days I am bouncing off the walls like I’ve shot up straight caffeine (no drugs for me though, thank you). The things is…I love myself. As long as I am staying true to myself. And I love my best friend all the more because he is right by my side as I do this. He’s been here as I’ve gone through all these changes. He’s not always liked how I’ve acted, but I know he has always loved me. He’s always known the real me, even back when I didn’t. His trust, his hope, his faith, his love in me….they have given me my strength, and continue to do so. One day I will be where I am meant to be, and we’ll be there happy, together.